On November 20th, 2004, we celebrated the life of our firstborn and ended the day mourning the loss of our first daughter. Tate celebrated his 4th birthday with a huge, overwhelming, and possibly "overdone" birthday party. Several times that day, I wondered if I had felt the baby moving but brushed it off thinking I had just been too busy to pay attention. But later in the evening, I started to get very concerned.
It was surreal. Like an out of body experience. You remember what went on around you, but not like it was actually happening to you. You keep thinking, "This is NOT happening....how could this happen.....it must be wrong........they are going to tell me any minute now that this was all a mistake." But it doesn't go away and it gets more and more real everyday.
My biggest issue, following Reese's death, was the hard fact that it is something that nobody really wants to talk about. It's all just too sad! People walk around looking at you like you have a third eye and all you want to do is talk about it--a lot--obsessively, in fact. It is interesting how talking about a baby dying is something "taboo". It's like it's "unspeakable".....it scares people.....and, maybe, if we talked too much about it, people would be too scared to even get pregnant in the first place.
But now as I type these words, a beautiful little brown eyed girl is kissing me and asking me to hold her baby doll. A far cry from where I was almost 3 years ago. We've been truly blessed with two wonderful healthy children who have saved my life! Don't get me wrong....a never wanted to "replace" the child I lost. I want to rejoice in what I learned from her and her memory reminds me everyday what closeness I felt to God during her loss, how he held me, and how I need to get that close to Him again.
And, today, on this day of rememberance and nearly 3 years since, I have the opportunity to talk about it again. I don't feel the "obsessive" need to talk about it as much anymore. I do think about it daily, however. I will never forget.
On October 15, at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the United States will light candles in memory all of the precious babies that have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. If everyone lights a candle at 7 p.m. and keeps it burning for 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light around the world.
On this day, in communities across America, expectant moms will feel their baby's first kick; parents will listen joyfully to their newborn's first cry; and families will celebrate their healthy baby's first birthday.
Also on this day, seven babies will be lost to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS); more than 70 new parents will have listened sadly to their stillborn baby's silence; and countless lives will be lost to miscarriage and other sudden, unexpected infant deaths.
Please help us remember our dear daughter, Reese Avery Anderson: born silently November 20, 2004, by lighting a candle in her honor. There is not a day that goes by that we do not think of her and her little brother or sister lost to miscarriage in 2006. We are anxiously awaiting our reunion with them!
